ANGER – from THE MYTH OF NORMAL by Gabor Mate’ (Chapter 26)
A Clear, Usable Summary of “Healthy Anger”*
1. What Healthy Anger Is Not
- It’s not rage, resentment, spite, or bile.
- Those states come from unprocessed or unintegrated emotions that have been suppressed or distorted over time.
- Both extremes — stuffing anger down or inflating it into drama — are toxic.
2. What Healthy Anger Is
- A boundary defense system, biologically wired for survival.
- A momentary activation of the brain’s self‑protective circuitry (Panksepp’s RAGE system).
- A natural, morally neutral signal that something is threatening your physical or emotional integrity.
- A concise, situational “No.”
3. How Healthy Anger Functions
- It arises in the moment, does its job, and then subsides.
- It doesn’t linger, fester, or demand a narrative.
- It doesn’t seek harm; it seeks equilibrium and self‑respect.
4. When Anger Becomes Toxic
- When it’s fed by:
- shame
- grievance
- self‑righteous stories
- self‑flagellating stories
- When we chronically avoid saying “no,” resentment accumulates and erupts in unhealthy ways.
5. Why Many People Don’t Recognize Their Anger
- Social conditioning teaches “niceness,” compliance, or conflict‑avoidance.
- People imagine anger as explosive or theatrical, so they miss its quieter, authentic forms.
- Genuine anger is not a performance — it’s clarity.
6. The Health Connection
- Research suggests that inhibited anger may worsen outcomes in conditions like ALS and fibromyalgia.
- Patients who are overly agreeable or disconnected from anger may deteriorate more quickly.
- Healthy anger expression may support physical well‑being.
7. The Real Work
- The question isn’t whether to feel anger — it’s how to relate to it with honesty and proportion.
- Even simple statements like “I don’t like this” or “I don’t want this” can be profound acts of self‑alignment.
Commentary from David A. Singer, M.Ed., a Stress and Anger Management Specialist
In my work as a stress and anger management specialist, I meet many individuals who have been taught to fear their own anger. They’ve learned to stay quiet, stay agreeable, and stay small — often at the expense of their well‑being. Over time, this leads to chronic stress, resentment, and a sense of being disconnected from their own needs.
What I help clients understand is that healthy anger is a form of self‑respect. It is the moment your nervous system signals that something is out of alignment. When we learn to recognize and honor that signal, anger becomes a stabilizing force rather than a disruptive one.
The work we do together focuses on:
- Identifying early signs of boundary violation
- Understanding the difference between pure anger and the stories that distort it
- Expressing anger in grounded, simple, authentic language
- Reclaiming the right to say “no” without guilt
- Reducing stress by aligning internal experience with external expression
This process is not about becoming reactive or confrontational. It is about becoming congruent. When your inner truth and outer behavior match, you stop abandoning yourself in subtle ways. You stop carrying the emotional cost of silence. You begin to move through life with more steadiness, clarity, and confidence.
Clients who work with me discover that healthy anger strengthens relationships rather than harms them. It protects what matters. It restores balance. And it opens the door to more honest, meaningful connection — both with others and with oneself.
This is the heart of my work: helping you reclaim your emotional truth, restore your boundaries, and trust the wisdom of your own internal signals.
*(From “The Myth of Normal – Trauma, Illness & Healing In A Toxic Culture”, by Gabor Mate’, MD – Published by Avery Press 2022)